urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bngr_of_victorybngr_of_victorybngr_of_victorybngr_of_victory2007-10-08T21:01:02Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bngr_of_victory:787I don't know how to get to the discussion from here. I need help.2007-10-08T21:01:02Z2007-10-08T21:01:02ZHelp! I'm lost. I'm nervous about sharing my heart on the www. I don't know how to even get to the discussion from here and don't know how to view it once I've posted it. When I wrote, my first entry, Feeling the Damage,end of July, and posted it, it seemingly disappeared and I freaked, emotionally speaking because I didn't know if everyone on LJ could see it or if only SIAs could see it or, if anyone could see it at all, ever. Now I <br /> I'm new to 12 steps on a personal level, so not sure how that works either.<br /> Could somebody write me at my yahoo mail and help me out if I can't figure this out?<br />Thanks, Bringerurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bngr_of_victory:668Feeling the damage2007-07-30T08:50:42Z2007-07-30T08:50:42ZHello,<br /> This is my first entry. I'm new to the group and my goal is total healing, as much as is possible for this planet. I am a Christian and have just read the most recent entries and I want to say to Ash Wednesday that my heart goes out to you! I too have had severe struggles with my faith, with my God, this plan of FREE WILL and especially the promises of protection. But, and I do not claim to have fully arrived because I am still very much stuck in this body of pain that I must try to make sense of daily, I have arrived at some conclusions I can live with.<br /> From an entry in my journal in 1999 I find the answer that was given me regarding the free will problem. At this time I was not angry at God . I rareley find any answers or comfort when I'm angry at God but do find comfort when I come back to Him. My Christian counselor was trying to get me to express anger at God while my church friends were concerned that my secular counselor would lead me away from my family and my God. Neither of which I've ever found to be true of my secular counselors.<br /> I wrote, " I am not angry at God. Satan is the roaring lion down here slashing at the sheep and then pointing his bloody claws at God (in accusation). God WOULD answer EVERY child's prayers if they didn't interfere with the revelation of Satan's true character. My hope is that it MUST be over soon. Satan WILL BE unmasked and then sin will be destroyed forever!"<br /> Though God will not interfere with free will, He longs to comfort us. He was with us when we were hurt and He is with us now and will be with us to the end. When Satan's plan of sin and sorrow and death is over, God's first and final plan will take effect and then will there be no more pain or sorrow or death.<br /> Now for what I've come here to vent is that it is so difficult to find people who understand what we are going through. Though, my faith is strong and I have a Divine Friend and Comfortor, I still need to connect with someone human who knows what I'm going through. So I hope I can find my way to healing here. I feel, perhaps the Lord has led me to this place as I feel so paralyzed in a conventional group but writing is a gift and a paved road while speech is to me a rough road full of holes. <br /> Tonight, as is often lately, I'm feeling the damage again. I feel broken inside, different, alien to the world. I wonder how I made it through the day and how will I make it tomarrow. But days come and days go. I've been depressed for a while again. People don't like to touch depression. It's ugly and it smells, and there is so much to be happy about. Daily I try to focus on my children, the never ending crisis of 5 children and husband and friends. I see the perfect sky, but for me it is torn, I am cold and naked on the floor. This is how I feel. (from that song on the radio.) It is torn from me. I am a survivor of incest that emotional train wreck. I'm an emotional quadraplegic, I have pain every day, physical, mental and emotional. The night I remember most haunts me. I really thought my dad took out a gun and shot me in the heart. I could not understand why I had no blood or why I had not seen a gun but the pain was there and I knew I was dying. The night closes in it wraps me about it tickles my fears. It hides behind my smile waiting for the chance to crush me again.<br /> And where is my God now I hear the tempter asking. I say here He is. The man of Sorrows, the one who is touched with the feeling of my infirmities, by my side quietly waiting for my stuggles to cease, for me to break the bonds of my cocoon that are smothering me now. When I am free I will spread my wings and fly, fly away. And the colors in my wings will bring hope to the struggling and victory to other survivors.