Help!   I'm lost. I'm nervous about sharing my heart on the www. I  don't know how to even get to the discussion from here and don't know how to view it once I've posted it.  When I wrote, my first entry, Feeling the Damage,end of July, and posted it, it seemingly disappeared and  I  freaked,  emotionally speaking because I didn't know if everyone on LJ could see it or if  only SIAs could see it or, if anyone could see it at all, ever. Now  I 
  I'm new to 12 steps on a personal level, so not sure how that works either.
  Could somebody write me at my yahoo mail and help me out if I can't figure this out?
Thanks,  Bringer

Current Mood: anxious

Hello,
               This is my first entry.  I'm new to the group and my goal is total healing,  as much as is possible for this planet.    I  am  a Christian  and have just read the most recent entries  and  I  want to say to Ash Wednesday  that my heart goes out to you!  I   too have had severe struggles with my faith,  with my God,  this plan of FREE  WILL  and especially the promises of protection.  But,   and  I   do not claim to have fully arrived because I  am still very much stuck in this body of pain that I must try to make sense of daily,  I   have arrived at some conclusions  I  can live with.
    From an entry in my journal in 1999  I  find the answer  that was given me regarding the free will problem.   At this time   I    was not angry at God .  I  rareley  find any answers or comfort when I'm angry at God but do find comfort when I come back to Him.  My  Christian  counselor was trying to get me to express anger at God  while my church friends were concerned that my secular counselor would lead me away from my family and my God.  Neither of which I've ever found to be true  of my secular counselors.
  I  wrote, " I  am not angry at God. Satan is the  roaring lion down here slashing at the sheep and then pointing his bloody claws at God (in accusation). God  WOULD answer EVERY child's prayers if they didn't interfere with the revelation of Satan's true character. My hope is that it MUST be over soon.  Satan  WILL  BE   unmasked and then sin will be destroyed forever!"
  Though  God  will not interfere with free will,  He  longs to comfort us. He was with us  when we were hurt  and He is with us now and   will be with us to the end.  When Satan's plan of sin and sorrow and death is over,  God's first and final plan will take effect and then will there be no more pain or sorrow or death.
    Now  for what I've come here to vent is that it is  so difficult  to find people who understand what we are going through.  Though,  my faith is strong and I  have a  Divine  Friend and Comfortor,  I   still need to connect with someone  human who knows what I'm going through.  So I  hope  I  can find my way to healing here.  I  feel,  perhaps the Lord has led me to this place  as I  feel  so paralyzed  in a conventional  group  but writing  is a  gift and a paved road while speech is to me a rough road full of holes. 
   Tonight, as is often lately,   I'm  feeling the damage again.  I  feel  broken inside,  different,  alien  to the world.  I  wonder how I made it through the day and how will I make it tomarrow.  But  days come and days go.  I've been depressed for a while again.  People don't like to  touch  depression.  It's ugly  and it smells,  and there is so much to be happy about.  Daily  I  try to focus on my children,  the never ending crisis of 5 children and husband and friends.  I  see the perfect sky,  but for me it is torn,  I  am cold  and naked on the floor.  This is how  I  feel. (from that song on the radio.) It is torn from me.  I  am  a survivor   of  incest  that emotional  train wreck.   I'm an emotional  quadraplegic,  I   have pain every day,  physical, mental and emotional.   The night  I  remember most  haunts me.  I  really  thought my dad took out a gun and shot me in the heart.  I  could  not understand why I  had no blood  or  why I  had not seen a gun  but the  pain was there  and  I  knew I  was dying. The night closes in it wraps me about  it tickles my fears.  It  hides behind my smile waiting for the chance  to crush me again.
   And where is my God  now  I  hear the tempter asking.  I  say  here  He  is.  The man of Sorrows,  the one who is touched with the feeling of my infirmities,  by my side  quietly waiting for my stuggles to cease, for me to break the bonds of my cocoon  that are smothering me now.  When I  am free I  will spread my wings and fly,  fly away.  And  the colors  in my wings will bring hope to the struggling  and victory to other survivors.

Current Location: Washington State
Current Mood: depressed